Blog 6: Be a Man (Speech)
An open letter to male educators, coaches, and mentors.
“Be a Man, Man Up, Don’t Cry”. Although these phrases are essentially always said with good intentions, they are more often than not some of the most damaging phrases a boy will ever hear growing up. Boys in America are forced into a box as early as the day they’re born. From the moment a boy is brought home from the hospital and taken into their blue, ‘boy colored’ room, the vicious cycle has begun.
By the time boys reach age 10, it is essentially guaranteed that they have been taught the rules of manhood in one way or another. These rules can vary from man to man, but for the purpose of this speech, can be boiled down to four main rules: first, to be a man you must not show any emotion, second, to be a man you must be tough, athletic and strong, third, to be a man you must be in control of every situation, and most importantly if you break any of the first three rules, you will be ostracized by the rest of the male population.
When we look at these rules broadly and examine the too true stereotype of what men of today are, it is easy to notice an unhealthy trend. Boys are told time after time that they can’t express their true emotions, boys can’t talk to one another on a deep level, boys can’t be in pain, boys can’t cry. On the outside reflecting on these statements, they may seem overkill, not every boy is taught all these things, not every boy has a father who tells him to man up and not to cry like a little girl. While this may be true, it is nearly impossible to experience school, sports, and mass-media culture as a developing child and not come in contact with toxic masculinity. Whether it’s the 3rd-grade baseball coach who tells a boy he throws like a girl, the latest action movie with giant men shooting guns and fighting the whole time, or a popular music video with 30 scantily clad women dancing around a giant mansion, nearly everywhere a boy looks as he grows up he can find toxic masculinity.
Because of these unwritten rules of our society, boys are often raised to be independent, but not in a good way. Because boys are unable to share their feelings, to communicate on a human level, anything negative a boy experiences may be pushed deep down inside the soul where it can sit there undealt with. For many, compartmentalizing like this is a great short term coping mechanism for the undesirable things that happen in life -- but unfortunately, it is just that, short term. As humans, our capacity for dealing with these things can be represented by a container that holds the negative-undealt with feelings and prevents them from affecting our day to day behavior. The problem is that this container does not have unlimited capacity, and has a tendency to explode when it gets too full. In our society, we are aware of this and have discovered that talking, crying, and expressing these emotions outward is a great way to empty out the container so that we can live our lives in a healthy way. The problem though is that we only offer this tip to girls as they grow up, and say the exact opposite to boys.
According to “The Mask You Live In” a 2015 documentary focused on the issues surrounding toxic masculinity in school, explains how the way our society treats boys and girls differently has created some troublesome statistics.
Boys are 2 times more likely to be placed in Special Ed than girls
Boys are 3 times more likely to be diagnosed with ADHD than girls
Boys are 2 times more likely to be suspended than girls
Boys are 4 times more likely to be expelled than girls
And worst of all, Boys are 4-5 times more likely to commit suicide than girls
At first glance, these statistics may be hard to believe, but when we observe the situation more holistically it all makes sense. Whether it is just one, or a combination of the rules of manhood, a very hard to break vicious cycle is created for young boys in school. Lacking the opportunity to process difficult emotions, boys begin to shut off from the world even before middle school begins. Now shut off, dealing with a plethora of internal battles, boys are still expected to get good grades and behave themselves in the classroom. As time progresses and this internal struggle grows and grows, boys begin acting out as the only way they know how to deal with their emotions. Then, when this happens, they are quickly punished for their behavior, rather than looked at more closely by a healthy role model or adult figure. This punishment only exacerbates the problem as it trains boys that school and authority cannot be trusted, leaving many without a strong support system into serious problems such as drug abuse, dropping out of school, violence, self-harm, or worse of all, suicide.
Although this awful problem has grown on such a major scale, the silver lining regarding toxic masculinity is that it is relatively easy to solve. It is the kind of problem where change can be effected on an exponential level. Teach one coach, teach one teacher, teach one advisor what it really means to be a man, and that team, that class, that grade can be impacted by that one individual in a way you might not be able to comprehend. Schools in America have an incredible amount of influence on the actions of young boys as they grow and learn. Yet despite this opportunity, schools choose to spend nearly all their resources on core subjects that don’t teach children how to be human, how to treat others, and most importantly how to treat oneself. We live in a world today where kids are graduating from college, with no education whatsoever on how to deal with emotions in a healthy way. As someone who bought in and suffered greatly from the violent influence of toxic masculinity, to now someone preaching against it I know that change is within reach.
As administrators, teachers, coaches, and most important, role models, I beg all of you to think about your impact on the boys around you. Are you doing your part to make sure they are doing ok? Are you doing your part to make sure your boys know they can still be men even if they need to cry sometimes? Are you doing your part to ask your boys if they are doing ok when they begin to act out? Are you doing your part to make sure your boys know what it really means to be a man, to be who they truly are deep down, and to be confident in doing so? Are you taking 10 minutes after class or practice to chat with the boy causing problems, or are you punishing them without thinking about it? As role models, I beg all of you to take advantage of the opportunity you have to influence at least one boy each day because that one boy might grow up and teach boys himself. Teach at least one boy something each day, and in no time, the devastating impact of toxic masculinity will be behind us.
Thank you